The person you could be.

Inertia — Nº160

The person you could be is locked behind the journey you’re scared of walking, punctuated by the pull of giving up before you’ve begun. You struggle to focus on your vision for a long time, and you find yourself often “over-influenced by minor disappointments”, as Marianne Moore puts it.

Fear can be an incredible teacher for that reason, but it is only as good as your will to listen to it. Most people learn by being shown—and fear will show you a hell of a lot. It can show you your boundaries, what makes you change your character, how you react to varying situations, and, essentially, who you are.

As time passes, we become further disconnected from nature while bearing the same ancestral instincts now used to overreact to psychic dangers that will never see the light of reality. We all hate making mistakes and getting things wrong. But neither guilt nor anxiety is productive. Neither will help you correct the error or produce anything rational to stop an issue from happening again. Anxiety, in particular, can be crippling as it inclines you to be too nervous or risk-averse when planning for the future. And all that often leaves you with is missed opportunities.

Life is not about getting through one door but a series of doors—each one comprising a room with a teacher instructing you how to dance with your myriad of fears. Your rooms will look different to mine, and we will travel through them at varying speeds. Occasionally, you’ll have to go back and forth between rooms. Other times, everything you need for now may be in one room.

But what doesn’t matter is how far along (or behind) I am compared to you; what matters is what you learn to understand in each room and how it helps you with different parts of your life.

We all reach the point where we’re too scared to venture out and be who we could be. I spent many years trying to escape who I am or seal it away because I was highly invested in living for others. But I realised I was never going to escape this path. I’m someone who cares deeply about connection, living close to the undulating British countryside and spending time alone as much as seeing friends or family several times a month. I love writing about physiology and fitness as much as how we design our lives with our thoughts. I enjoy asking questions and listening and helping people, even if it brings out extreme modesty or self-sabotage. I love nerdiness, but I’m often too shy to talk about it.

You can spend years of your life numbing your emotions so you don’t reveal who you are to anyone — including yourself. And it can lead to growing up seeing emotions as overwhelming or dangerous, rather than something to acknowledge and hold. But how long do you want to stay locked behind your door to the world? How long are you willing to procrastinate? How often do you want to keep filling yourself with regret and then spend the day emptying that basin? How long do you want to convince yourself that you’re allergic to the prospect of deserving more?

You can run away from your path, but all that comes from it is further disconnection and a weaker ability to be present and understand your life. On top of that? Vulnerability, shame, over-intellectualisation, and disappointment. Fear may be on the other side of the door, but the reward for going through it and being you is far greater.