It's okay to disappoint people.
Inertia — Nº155
One thing is for sure: at one point, we’ve all wanted to please others. To have people like us, appreciate us, or at least think highly of our abilities. To be good at maintaining relationships and be so good that they’re always natural and fluid, and we never have to fight for continuation. But in trying so hard to meet these expectations, we lose ourselves.
Life’s tapestry holds a thread of wisdom in the middle that we often overlook. Life opens up so much more once we’re at least willing to disappoint other people. Of course, I don’t mean purposely. But you have natural quirks and tendencies that are great for you — whether it’s how you speak up, stand up for yourself, or remain stubborn about something you duly believe in — and the way you act should reflect the way you’re designing a life that’s suited to you and your priorities.
Imagine a bottle brimming and glowing with energy; each drop is a testament to your uniqueness. Yet, in the eagerness to make people happy and avoid disappointment, you pour yourself out until you’re left hollow.
You can feel like you’ve fallen short again, failing to meet ever-rising demands, and are now ridden with inadequacy and guilt.
Disappointment is an inevitable part of life — and a marker of maturity. Sometimes, things will not always go as planned; in other words, people will not always get what they want from you. The shifting seasons alone teach you that nothing is permanent, and we so too must accept that we can’t make everyone smile forever. Some people fear shame so much that they turn too quickly to self-protective acts, become preemptively defensive, or take things personally — when it’s not even their problem.
But the truth is that most people may feel initially let down when things are unmet — and that’s out of your control — but in time, most, if not all, will come to understand.
As the willow tree bends without breaking in the face of strong winds, you too should learn to bend your boundaries without allowing yourself to fracture. Don’t overextend yourself trying to meet every demand; it will only drain your energy and erode your sense of self. You are not responsible for other people’s happiness or expectations of you.
You have spent your entire life getting to know yourself, seeing the good, the bad, what makes you come to life and what puts you down. You control what you do around these times, and only you can experience the gut feeling of being in the right place as well as being in the wrong one. You know exactly when you’ve made a decision for someone else instead of being where you want to be.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of overextension. People-pleasing is not always a conscious choice; perhaps some people do it to anticipate the frustration, anger, or intensity they experienced growing up, some do it because they’ve felt very good from people being pleased with them, and others may do it because they’ve spent so long trying to fit in socially. And the better you get at it, the more hard-wired it becomes. In the name of generosity, we say yes when we mean no; we sacrifice our needs for the sake of others, and we end up feeling drained and resentful.
But true generosity stems not from self-sacrifice but from self-love. When you disappoint others to stay true to yourself, you do it with absolute courage and grace. Our own nature can blind us, but to learn means to unlearn, to be open and honest with the rooted boundaries we need, and to be steadfast like an ancient oak in keeping them alive. Disappointing people does not make you any less lovable or worthy. It does not make you insensitive or selfish. It simply means you are defining yourself on your own terms rather than strictly according to the standards of others that mean nothing to you. And that is perfectly okay.
Joxen.