Inertia — Nº146

Lessons of 2023: Self-love is underrated

If there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s that love is generally overrated. While love is a positive emotion that is good for us, it can (and often does) do more harm than good. It’s still a creation of the human imagination with stark differences in reality. Self-love is more important to me.

Much of my reasonably short time on this planet has enjoyed supporting friends (and myself) through situations revolving around love. Doing so for so long has made it easier to engrain more holistic ways of giving advice, setting boundaries, and looking after myself in the future. I used to enjoy the energy of forceful guidance and shouting streams of expletives when giving advice to my friends, but I know that I no longer want to tell people exactly what to do. Because what matters is making people feel like someone has shown up for them. The basics matter most.

I care a lot about responsibility and self-love. I’ve learned to appreciate the value of doing a good job, one of virtue and ownership, with the sense that no matter the situation, I’ve prepared well, taken an intelligent approach, and showcased diligence. Because of this, I’ve shifted my attitude toward how I encourage people, as what matters to me is what Heather Havrileskey puts as making people feel supported and encouraged enough to locate their own values and ideals, desires and dreams.

As tempting as it can be to ask, “What would X do here?” and always follow the lead of those we love, it’s incredibly valuable to use outside support to help us dig deeper and take our own steps towards creating a world for ourselves. A place with our own answers, where we can engage with other people on our own terms, make big decisions and feel less overwhelmed, frightened or riddled with guilt.

You gain more value from using other people’s words as a prompt to model how you build and decorate your own little world. One with its greenhouse to cultivate and grow love and acceptance for yourself and others, its quiet temple where you can pray to the things that bring you joy and inspiration, or sit with your thoughts and honour the melodies echoing through the halls of your mind, and its muddy Parc fermé to savour your daily pleasures and feel alive.

I’ve spent more time alone with myself than ever this year. Not in a lonely or isolated way, but in peaceful solitude. Self-love is stabilising, soothing, and reliable. There’s a lot of intimacy, and not much goes to rot. It’s always there when you need reassurance or refuge from the storms of life. An anchor in choppy waters. The difference between making an intelligent decision and an emotional response. It keeps you steady no matter what storms blow through.

We can spend years seeking validation through romantic relationships and love. But it will rarely be enough. It’s easier to get to the point where you feel you have enough self-love than love from the outside world.

So, as you go into 2024, take forward that self-love is the foundation, and you have a deep inner well to fill up once you start to establish it. Maybe you already are, and that’s great. You have an incredible story of your life to build. And with that, you’re the only person on this earth who knows what’s good for you, what makes you grow, what makes you laugh and enjoy the day in spite of the darkness and problems that love and this world can bring. Go forward with a focus that encourages self-trust. And you will realise that you are where you are supposed to be, have everything you need, and can build that beautiful inner temple to relish you whenever you need it along the way.