Inertia - Nº133
Don't take paracetamol for other people's headaches
Guilt is the uncomfortable certainty that we are not what we could have been.
― Michael Sugrue
The best thing about therapy is it helps you notice what people around you can see. It makes you conscious of subconscious cues and gently pushes on those things when you usually try to ignore them. We’re often aware of the signs that something or someone needs to change or go—long before we remove them. But when you are always looking out from the inside, it’s easy to rationalise and justify the unnecessary headache.
Are you a good decision-maker? Do you disguise bad decision-making by classing yourself as an ‘easy person’ or, conversely, an ‘overthinker’? Sometimes, we must consider how much of our easy-going nature is true. Spend time understanding it. Because much stems from a fear of judgment, a fear of disappointing people with our choices? Our boundaries? Making people endure the consequences of what we really want?
Bringing other people’s headaches onto ourselves harms our identity. I wouldn’t say many people notice it. If you never train your decision-making muscles—always going ‘along for the ride’ or internalising everything—you will be equally as terrified to make choices for yourself when completely alone. When you are the one who will suffer any consequences. This avoidance is the same way of thinking that will tear away your boundaries as you sacrifice and lose yourself in the process.
Most people who travel or take a break to “find themselves” typically just need to make better independent decisions. It’s rarely much else than that. If you’ve been reading my work for a while, you know I don’t believe in finding yourself. Instead, you need to be a better independent thinker—because that’s how you create yourself. You need boundaries. To weigh different answers and decide for yourself, even if it’s eventually the same answer as everyone else. Because at least you know why you came to that decision.
Life begins when you’re willing to disappoint people. And maturity begins when you take responsibility for yourself as an individual. It shouldn’t be villanised. Most people struggle with their personality as much as their priorities, and the two can go hand-in-hand.
Individuation is a process of disposing of the paracetamol you take for other people’s problems—and dismantling the stories you would tell yourself about what you should do to make other people happy. Disappointing people can be like a rite of passage that creates your life and makes it yours. It’s about who you are instead of who you try to be. I’m not saying we must aim to disappoint people, but it’s something to accept as a side effect of honouring ourselves. And the worst-case scenario is rarely what we think it is.
You have been with yourself for 100% of your life; you know what does and doesn’t work, what scares or expands you, what makes you come alive. And importantly, you know when you’ve made a decision to please others instead of choosing what’s suitable for you.
Shifting the pattern of pleasing others and wearing their problems can be intense in the beginning; it takes a brave person to begin establishing boundaries and say “no” more often. But it’s also important to remember how progress ebbs and flows. You’re simply on a journey towards feeling satisfied and prioritising your needs.
Removing the headache
Expecting people to anticipate your needs is unrealistic and ineffective; it’s like asking someone to understand what you want with virtually no communication, to be as sensitive as a mother is to a baby’s cry.
It is hard for natural people-pleasers because of how deeply attuned we can be to other people’s needs. But remember that people need and probably want to know how to respect and satisfy you.
I’ve found the best way to discover your needs is to be alone in your presence. Paying attention to your signals instead of fixating on what others want. The happiest and simplest people I know can do this well; a skill anyone can learn. It does require adjustments away from distractions, whereby a therapist or simply alone time in the morning can go a long way. But once you learn how to cultivate clear space for yourself instead of filling your life with noise, the headaches flow away like a boat on a stream.
Boundaries and rules are there to take care of you. People are generally afraid to make demands on others, but others are often worse off if we don’t. Positive and healthy feedback loops need these barriers around them to help information pass through. You will struggle to improve and get what you need otherwise. The good news: most people are receptive to boundaries because the answer is then clear. Some people might need time to adjust, and that’s okay. But at least they can always be respected. And if someone ever makes you feel bad for having healthy boundaries, you might need to decide whether you want that person in your life.
The better you make decisions, the better the life you create that honours you. It can be scary to speak up for yourself when you’re not used to it. It can be scary to disappoint people. But when you zoom out of it all, it pales compared to living a life that fixates on pleasing others and being out of alignment. So, give yourself permission to disappoint people, to live your own life. Don’t get caught up in other people’s headaches; make space for putting your choices first.